Good day!!

Nov. 15th, 2011 10:38 am
mis_creation: (Book Pagan)
Oh thank fucking gods, I found my iPod!

And I found My Brain (my flash drive which has my life on it, not to mention my NaNovel), which I misplaced right before work yesterday.

My iPod was apparently under my computer desk for five months, which doesn't make sense, because I have vacuumed under there, moved things around, and he wasn't under there before, damn it!

I have gremlins.

Or cats. Cats are a possibility...

But I have my iPod back! Whee!!
mis_creation: (NaNoWriMo Zone)
Actually, the State of Me is pretty good. I'm healthy (mostly), happy (mostly), and whole. My family is in pretty good shape, and while a couple of my friends are in hard spots, it's nothing they can't get out of. I'm very lucky to be where I am right now.

Which is not to say that I don't want to try to get to another spot. Someplace different might be nice.

I will hopefully, after the remodel of my branch of the library, have an opportunity to move out of my parents' house and into an apartment with a friend of mine. I think that would be really cool and fun, and she has a pug that I'm fairly certain Nefret would get along with just fine. And it's still close to my parents, it's inexpensive so I could probably afford it, but it's not a given so I'm not counting on it.

But that's all coming after NaNo, which is going to be crazy. For the first time ever I'm going to be working virtually full-time hours through November, while trying to be an ML. Other people have done it, and so can I. I also have two house-sitting jobs in between, so that'll help on the cash front.

Anyway...Life goes on. It continues, even when you think it can't possibly. That's something, I guess.

Sirens was amazing and fun, and I can't even keep track of all the awesomeness that happened that weekend in Vail. It's going to be in Portland, OR next year, so I'm not sure I'm going to get to go. It's a toss-up, because I would like to be an independent adult some time in my life, and that might have to outweigh the fun and fancy of Sirens next year. We'll see.

But it is that time again for me, the time to take stock of the previous year (aside from Where the fuck did it go?!) and make plans for the next one.
mis_creation: (Books! 2)
Yessiree! Boy do I suck at this whole journal thing...

Well, a few things going on with the people in my life. Mom has PTSD but has realized it and is trying to work through it and pull her life back together. Sister still a putz. Dad still dad (I don't really know what to call him...). Cousins in university or school.

Work continues. I still love my job but it is changing and I don't know if I'm going to stay through the changes. We'll see what happens after the remodel, where we will be closed for four to six weeks and they have no obligation to give me hours anyplace else. Oh, did I mention they will be closed for the holidays? Maybe I'll see about doing some traveling then, if I can cram as many work hours into the intervening time as possible...

Friends. Some of my friends are having a hard time. My friend Jewels is getting separated and having to try to find a new place and is applying for a promotion at the library and is majorly stressed out and just about frazzled to the bone. I don't know how much more she can take. My friends Christina and Heathe are gearing up for Baby 2 to come in December, but Christina is hoping for a November baby (I don't know why...). In addition to that, Christina's job sucks ass, and Heathe is getting really sick of his manual labor job but they can't afford for either of them to quit.

And me. I'm just coasting along. Still in that holding pattern. I suffered some major disappointment when I didn't get ANY of the promotions (there were 6 positions, and I was specifically asked to go for one and I still didn't get it WTF?!) which would've allowed me to get out of debt and possibly even move out of the house. I had started making plans, too, which is always a mistake. Jewels and I were going to share the apartment she's got, and have a grand time being single girls. Well, that's out.

So I'm hurt and angry that I didn't get those jobs (I would've kicked ass at one of them, and was less enthusiastic about the other but I still could've done it), and I'm trying not to let it affect my work at the library. But we'll see.

Sirens in October. Then my birthday right after that. Then follows my personal new year, where I will take stock of all that has happened before and see what I want with the next year of my life.

Then, of course, November is NaNo and I am MLing again this year. It's going to be an interesting month.

Phew!
mis_creation: (Kill-Die-Death-Destruction-GLEE!)
A huge pet peeve of mine is people denigrating homeschooling. There's a right way and a wrong way to do it, and it's not for everyone, but it's an alternative for those who are miserable in a conventional schooling environment.

I was not homeschooled, though I desperately wanted to be. I didn't have any friends at school, I only had tormentors and people who talked behind my back if they ever noticed me at all. The only time I was ever treated well in school was for about a week after Columbine, when people realized that sometimes people want revenge for the shitty treatment. But the goldfish minds forgot about that quickly enough.

But what gets me most is, almost without fail, the only thing people object to about homeschooling (or unschooling) over conventional schooling is: But what about the child's social life?

What. The Fuck. Even my own mother, who saw the hell I was put through, threw this excuse at me. I can't even articulate the rage it made me feel.

I contemplated suicide in the third grade because I was so miserable and emotionally abused I figured my world would be better off without me in it, since I was obviously worthless and just taking up space. I didn't for several reasons, but mostly they can be summed up as: I was too chicken to actually do it, and I wouldn't do that to my parents.

Yeah, school is a great place. Even completely ignoring the false and ridiculous standards of "education", issues with funding, and the way schools enforce inequalities in our social structures. School is: forced contact with tens to hundreds of children your own age but probably drastically different emotional and intelligence levels, and forced into competition a lot of the time, just for the teachers' attention and grades and recognition and "friendship" and it's all just BULLSHIT!

Yeah, mom, school did me so fucking much good. I still have to fight not to rage out when I think about the little shits I went to school with, and now I have a niece, and the schools are in many ways so much worse than they used to be. I worry for her so much, because I was so miserable. Her parents weren't too happy in school either, but they both work full time and I don't see my being able to convince them to homeschool her any time soon...

(Also posted at waywardmarbles.blogspot.com)
mis_creation: (Diana Tregard)
Not too much improved, honestly. Though I seem to have found the remedy for my pissiness in the check in room at work.

The soundtrack to the movie Burlesque made me content for the whole time I was in there, though normally I don't like repeating songs, and there's only 10 of them on the CD.

So I think I'll go through my iTunes and find similar songs to make a playlist.

But as for everything else. Still stumbling my way through life, still trying to get something going in my brain.

I'm thinking seriously about writing again. I have a few ideas that can be re-vamped and fixed up. I might even publish a serial story online, though I kind of doubt that it's a good means of getting noticed. I'm not much of one for selling myself. Too many years of being told I'm worthless makes it difficult for me to go "Yay! I'm awesome!"

...Mmm. Maudlin thoughts. Time to play some more games and listen to more Amelia Peabody.
mis_creation: (Default)
Okay, so I still love my job. Most of the time. We get the crazy patrons, we get the icky items returned, and the usual hazards of the library. And I can deal with those.

But I am getting honestly pissed off when I have to work in the check in room. I really don't know why: nothing has changed. It wasn't even overheated today, which it usually is because the temperature controls in that building and that room in particular are a joke. And not a funny one.

For the last couple months, I get so absolutely pissed off and frustrated when I have to be in the check in room for longer than an hour (and the usual time in there is two hours). I end up slamming things down, cursing under my breath, talking to myself (though that's normal), and in general just getting grumpy.

It's not fun. But I can't seem to help it. I'll play upbeat music, or play music that is a bit angrier and hopefully cathartic.

There's two explanations that I can see: first is that I've gotten so used to being around people and helping patrons while I'm at work that being alone in the check in room (where it's usually hot as hell) is irritating me. The solution to that is to apply for any librarian-type positions that open up, and will allow me to do that more.

The other explanation is that I'm beginning to see the check in room as a metaphor for my life and it's pissing me off by telling me what I already know: I'm going nowhere. The very nature of the check-in room (and most of library work in general) is Sisyphean: it will never end, just keep piling back on again and again and putting you back to the beginning. And that's where I am. The beginning. Same shit different years.

I don't know how to break out of this holding pattern. Find a new job? Move to a new place? Say fuck it and move to Antarctica, where at least I won't be overheated all summer?

Fuck if I know.
mis_creation: (Crystal ball)
Hmm. I did it. I went and got another blog. Not sure what I'm going to do with it yet. Still thinking of doing that "My Summer of Eating Local-ish" thing, but... we'll see.

I need to pay for my car registration next month, and I can't wait to see how much that is going to be. Going to put me back a few months on paying off my credit cards, I'm sure.

But anyway, here's my other blog: http://waywardmarbles.blogspot.com/. Feel free to follow. It's new and shiny, and so far updated more regularly.

Anyway, my obsession with Howrse seems to have run it's course. I haven't looked at it in weeks, and I'm not getting the "must care for virtual horses" tick that I did in the beginning.

Partially that's because I started playing Sims 3, but now that my disc drive has futzed out, and I can't play S3, I'm still not going back to Howrse. Maybe I should sell off the horses and see what happens.

...And even as I write this, I went back and started looking at my horses. And I remembered how much time and effort I put into them.

Changeable, that is my mind...
mis_creation: (Default)
Ugh, summer.

I'll be honest: I don't like summer all that much. But as I keep telling myself, the world spins round and time moves on. So, we have summer coming.

I've repeated this line a few times, but there are three things I like about summer: 1. The Renaissance Faire (does it surprise anyone I'm a Ren Faire geek?). 2. The smell of fresh-cut grass (even though I usually have to do the mowing). 3. Driving with my windows open (although now that I have bangs that's going to be interesting).

And in general, that is it. Summer time is usually uncomfortably hot for me, I tend to burn easily, work goes crazy because of Summer Reading Program and we lose our work study students, people take vacations that I can't and I'm jealous, and there's less good TV shows on. Although with the invention of the "Summer Series" that last has at least changed somewhat. All in all, give me the cold months and I'm happy.

That being said, with some of the directions in which I am steering my life, I should probably add another item to the list: Farmer's Markets. But, as I haven't actually attended one yet, that remains to be seen.

But I'm toying with the idea of starting another blog (yet another one I will probably abandon after a few weeks of geeking out), this one documenting my (probably sad) attempt at eating healthy and/or locally. We'll see how that goes.
mis_creation: (Default)
Wow, the weather has been completely crazy today. Started off cold and snowy, went to sunny and clear, then to gray and rainy, and now it's all sunshine again. What the heck, weather, what the heck?

Anyhoo... Dad started ripping out the kitchen yesterday, so we have no kitchen for a couple weeks. We're washing dishes as we go and eating out of the fridge and no sit-down meals unless they're outside the house.

But we'll get a new kitchen out of it, something this house has been sorely needing since my parents moved in.

So that's good.

April is starting soon, and that means my first ever Script Frenzy. I'm still not sure what I'm doing but I think I'm going to try to adapt Jennifer Crusie's Bet Me into a screenplay. We'll see how that goes...

Work is work. I've gotten some extra work out of other people going on vacation, so that's good.

I made the mistake of installing the Sims 3 on my computer from my sister's copy, and now I can't seem to stop playing it. Totally addicting and it's so darn pretty on my new computer!
mis_creation: (Tiger Yawn)
Seems like all I talk about now is money...

I got my state tax return super fast, and used it to pay for the registration for Sirens next year. Whoo!

I still haven't received my federal return, which would be the one I'm looking forward to the most. First stop after getting that is the car parts store so I can buy the parts that need replacing on my car. After that, we'll see.

I may take a day trip somewhere, just a quick one-day trip to explore a town I've never been in before. Or maybe just drive out to Rocky Mountain National Park for a day.

Oooh! Or I could go to the Wild Animal Sanctuary, and visit them! I haven't gotten to go in years! That's where I took that picture of a tiger yawning. They have a great facility.
mis_creation: (Tiger Yawn)
Well, not profit, per se. But still.

So, according to the taxes results I got online, I'm going to be getting $900 back.

I really want to travel. I mean, I really want to travel. I haven't traveled other than the quick jaunt to Vail in two years.

I am going to Michigan in November for Caitlin's wedding, but thankfully I've got time to save for that. And it's Caitlin's wedding, for goodness sake, of course I'm going. Too early yet to request time off...

Anyway. I know the places I really want to go (the UK, Ireland, Turkey, Mongolia) are waaaaaay outside my price range.

But surely I could afford to take a bit and drive around CO? Well, once my car gets fixed...

Shit. No, no I can't. I can't afford it. I need to pay off my credit cards, and I can't afford to take time off work.

Fine.

Travel will have to wait until October and November. Damn.

Damn it

Jan. 23rd, 2011 04:48 pm
mis_creation: (What am I looking for?)
I'm just so tired of my life. Which is stupid because I have a good life. But it's the same one I've had for, you know, 26 years. I want something else.

Wanderlust, discontentment, or just pissiness?

Maybe I'm just tired of still essentially being an adolescent in my parents' house.

Maybe I'm just tired of being faced with my father's disappointment every day.

Whatever. Two more resume submissions by e-mail. See how that goes.

Rambo-ing

Jan. 6th, 2011 11:51 am
mis_creation: (Kill-Die-Death-Destruction-GLEE!)
Everyone who shares my sense of humor (even a little) should at least look up the lyrics to Leslie Fish's "Rambo-ing". Very funny in the anarchic sense.

"Let us go a Rambo-ing among the live grenades,
Yes let us go a Rambo-ing oh lively youths and maids,
With an uzi in the left hand, a machete in the right,
Oh let us go a Rambo-ing out on the town tonight."

And various verses about the annoying people around you that may inspire you to grip the handle of your swords.

*****

My Tumblr, for those who might want to follow, but just know it will contain some fannish stuff, and so will contain at least allusions to slash.

http://waywardmarbles.tumblr.com/

I really like the title I came up with.

*****

So, my friend's cousin's husband wants to set me up with a guy. Not sure how I feel about it, but he's in the halfway house for "habitual driving offenses" not anything violent. I guess there's no harm in meeting him, but he knows where I work, so that's weirding me out. I mean, we get the people from the halfway house, the work farm, the women's shelter, people with all kinds of stories and I love that they come in to use the library. But this definitely opens me up for stalker potential, and I'm very leery of that.

Not sure what to do with this...
mis_creation: (Crystal ball)
Where the fuck did 2010 go? And where's my damn jet pack? I thought we were supposed to have jet packs by now!

Anyway. So, the "resolutions" for 2011:

1. Get rid of the credit card debt. I hate owing as much as I owe, and it's making me crazy that I've fallen into the same trap as everyone else. And, as an addendum, I really need to start actually keeping track of what's in my accounts and what's not, instead of just checking the online version and hoping. I must have a ledger in here somewhere.

2. Find either another job, or find a full time job and leave the library. I really feel like I'm just spinning my wheels there, even though I love my job.

3. Travel. At the very least, my two definite travel goals for the next year are getting to Michigan (for my dear cousin's wedding, whenever that will be) and going to Sirens again in October.

4. Find an outdoor or at least out-of-house hobby. Working out, gardening, a club, dance classes, whatever. Just do something that gets me out of the house.

5. Actually read the items I get out of the library. Audio books do count, but those are easier for me.

Also? I started a tumblr. I don't know why. But I'm just going to do random things as they pop into my head. Or post interesting things I find online. I don't know; maybe some sort of theme will crop up, who knows?
mis_creation: (Book Pagan)
Yule is Come

Yule is come now beat the drum,
And light the solstice flame.
Tonight we'll raise a hymn of praise,
For the sun returns again.

Hail to Yule,
the longest night,
Of all the turning year,
Awake the resurrecting light,
That banishes despair.
For now the tide will start to turn,
And night will yield to day,
And the waning year will shed its skin,
And cast the dark away.

Yule is come now beat the drum,
And light the solstice flame.
Tonight we'll raise a hymn of praise,
For the sun returns again.

So pile the bonfire,
join the dance,
And raise your voices high,
Old winter can no more advance,
Its hold on earth and sky.
For soon the sap will rise again,
The mute once more will sing,
And the weary heart will wake anew,
To the promise of the spring.

(C) Jaiya "Firedance: Songs for the Winter Solstice"
mis_creation: (Chick With Sword)
I was going to go through and update or change out some of my icons. And then I didn't see any in my pre-made folder that I'd rather be using. So I thought I could make some new ones.

And then the enthusiasm waned. So I still have all the same icons. *shrug*

*****

So, I got most of my present shopping done in two stores: Big Lots and Barnes and Noble. Whoo! I just have a couple more things to get, but in general I'm good with what I've gotten already.

*****

*squee* Just saw the new trailer for "Fast Five" which is coming out in April YAY! Awesome!

*****

Yeah, I really don't have much besides bullet points. Oh well.
mis_creation: (Book Pagan)
Actually, I have been relatively busy lately, although that may slow down for the holidays. Then again, maybe not.

NaNo went incredibly well, if stressful. I was an organizer this year (Municipal Liaison), and my co-ML is a friend I work with at the library who is super gung-ho and organized and full of "Let's do this too!" Which is great, because enthusiasm is hard to come by for me, but it led to write ins every day of the week, two parties that went until two in the morning, counting, boxing, and hauling books for the bookdrive, as well as all kinds of mentoring stuff for the writers themselves.

It was more effort than I've put into anything in a long time. Exhausting, but rewarding, really.

*****

New music rec: S. J. Tucker. Though I wouldn't recommend her for everyone, she does good pagan folk, with influences from other genres. I only own one of her albums so far, Sirens, but I'm enjoying the hell out of it. My favorites are "The Drowning" and "Go Away Godboy" and "Lady Vagabond". Great rhythm.

I'm a little troubled that she seems to think "gypsy" means something that it doesn't. She keeps using it in the romanticized, stereotypical, and inaccurate way, and I dislike that. But that's a common thing, and not all that bothersome on the whole.

*****

As a reward for myself finishing NaNo with over 70K (eek!), I bought myself a legit copy of Guild Wars. I've been having fun on it, when my internet connection is fast enough for it. I try not to spend too long on it, and a few quests have repeatedly kicked my ass which piss me off and make me want to get off the computer. So I guess it's a good thing?

Anyway, I'm going to go see if I can finish the quest I started yesterday.
mis_creation: (NaNoWriMo Zone)
Well, okay. I guess I can't really call myself a blogger, can I? One post every two months or so does not a blog make.

I have no idea if I can fix that or not.

But I did come up with an idea, I don't know how it'll go.

I think I want to start working on my self esteem in earnest. To that end, I think I want to take a picture of myself every day for at least a month. And I'm going to post it. Maybe I should make a tumblr, I hear that's a nice photo blog resource. Or I could just put it on facebook, I suppose...

I think I just need to start seeing myself as I am, not how others perceive me or how I sort of perceive myself. Just as a person, with flaws and strengths like everyone else.

But, in other less mopey news, there will be a full lunar eclipse around midnight the 21st. The 21st is also the solstice and a full moon. Big day for celestial events. I will be at a Solstice party with at least a few friends on that day, so that will be fun.

Oh, and I got my earlobes pierced in October. They're still a little goopy, but in general doing well.
mis_creation: (Default)
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Not a whole lot. Because this is the wrong question.

Bullying will not stop. Nothing stops bullying. I speak as someone who was bullied constantly throughout elementary school, to the point where I wished I was dead. Because I was smart, because I read, because I was fat, because I liked the teachers, because I didn't have friends, because because because.

Kids are cruel. They will always find something to bully. Tell them to stop picking on someone for something, and they'll find another subject, another way, another person to bully. No one deserves it, but quite frankly the kids are just echoing what they've seen and heard in society at large. All those "jokes" at the expense of fat people, people of color, people who are differently abled, people who are on the autism scale, people with different regional accents, people who say words funny, people who practice a different religion, people who have a different sexuality, or a different perceived sexuality, whatever. Bullying is learned behavior, and it will never stop. Because humans are cruel, and so their children are cruel.

The correct question is what can be done to mitigate the bullying? What can adults do to make sure that even kids who are bullied live through those tough years we call a "magical childhood"? First of all, stop telling jokes at other people's expenses: that tells your children it's okay. Second of all, teachers, parents, friends, tell people you care. Tell people who are bigger or smaller than average that they aren't freaks because their bodies look different. Tell people you love their accent instead of complaining you can't understand them. Tell and show people that it is okay to be who they are, to love who they love, to live the way they want if they're not hurting anyone. Stick up for people who are being bullied; it won't stop it, but it will show the bullied that there are people who care.

I didn't kill myself when I was young because my parents loved me, and said so. My mother told me the kids at school didn't understand, and that someday I would find people I could be myself with. She was right, and it helped, but only eventually. Teachers talked to me like a person, instead of a victim, and tried to come to my defense when they could. Even the rare, one-meeting friendships I had, where someone met and began talking to me, didn't ridicule me or belittle me, showed me that I could be more than the bullies had made me (more than I'd allowed the bullies to make me.)

Nothing stops bullies. Nothing will stop bullying in schools, except for a total eradication of any kind of bias throughout societies and in our homes. And that ain't gonna happen.

So mitigation is all we can do, but boy does it work. I'm living (thankfully) proof.

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mis_creation: (Default)
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